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Friday, April 05, 2013

Al-Kisah YB And Reporter

***Note: Due to popular demand from friends on my Facebook account, many have requested me to compile the YB statuses. So here it is, a compilation of all the statuses of the infamous YB in a blog post. The statuses and this blog post is not mocking a certain political figure or party, but rather the general sad state of the Malaysian politics as a whole. Why the use of my own name for the YB? It was actually done at the spur of the moment, when one day, I was bored and tired, I decided to come up with the two statuses below. People loved it and that was how it all began. Ofcourse, the scenarios below were exaggerated, but some of them are based on experiences and real life incidences I had heard from other reporters. So ladies and gentlemen, introducing, YB Sukhbir Cheema.  


"Hello, saya Sukhbir Cheema. Undilah saya untuk dun Rasah. Saya promise buat the road nice nice for you. Kalau ada masalah ekonomi atau masalah ganguan rumah tangga, especially disebabkan oleh tikus dan anai anai, sayalah orangnya yang boleh menyelesaikan masalah anda. Saya akan pastikan bahawa malaikat malaikat jahanam ini akan dihapuskan forever and ever. Saya akan turut berusaha kuat untuk make sure yang saudara dan saudari hidup secara aman dan damai didalam dun ini. Tidak payah ubah dan tidak payah ada janji untuk ditepati. Just Undi for me. The rest you kasi sama saya, saya kasi beres. One call, one solution. Okay sekian terima kasih. Undilah saya, undi Sukhbir Cheema, ahli parlimen dun Rasah."

-YB Sukhbir Cheema, Rasah Member of Parliament.



"Nama tempat ini Lembah Pantai, tapi tidak ada pantai. Jika tuan-tuan mengundi saya, saya akan bawak turun pantai!" 

-YB Sukhbir Cheema, Rasah Member of Parliament during a political speech.



***



It is learnt that YB Sukhbir Cheema, leader of the Parti Orang Kampung And Internasional (POKAI) will be contesting at the Rasah parliamentary seat. A few reporters sit down with him to ask him questions pertaining to this.

Reporter: YB kenapa rakyat kena undi YB untuk pilihanraya ini? 

YB: Oh ini satu persoalan yang bernas sekali! Rakyat kenalah undi saya sebab saya akan menyelesaikan masalah rumah tangga pengundi di kawasan dun Rasah ini. 

Reporter: Masalah seperti mana tuan YB? 

YB: Berbagai masalah. Antaranya adalah masalah serangan anai-anai. Ada sekali, di kawasan ini ada sorang bernama Pak Abu. Kenal tak siaper tu Pak Abu? (asks reporters)

Reporter: Tak kenal YB..

YB: Ya saya pun tak kenal dia. Anyway, rumah dia sentiasa diserang anai-anai. Ada sekali beliau menghantar surat kepada saya, menyatakan his predicament. So saya pun menyelesaikan masalah beliau.

Reporter: Bagaimana YB menyelesaikan masalah anai-anai Pak Abu?

YB: Dengan senang. Sayer bakar jer rumah dia tuh.


Reporter: YB, what's your take on gangsterism in schools at your constituency?

YB: Ohh I think it's bagus!

Reporter: Err why do you say that?

YB: You see ahh.. You bayar RM60 satu bulan to learn Karate. Belajar sampai 6 tahun baru dapat black belt. Tapi kalau penyamun serbu you, tak gerenti you boleh lawan mereka. Konpom kena belasah. So baik pakai RM60 sebagai protection money daripada gangster. This way it's more ekonomikal la. Duit rakyat is put to good use and you also stay safe what? Make sense now?

Reporter: Siut jer..



***


With Malaysia gearing up for its 13th General Election, reporters crowd around one very familiar and infamous candidate and stalwart of Parti Orang Kampung And Internasional (POKAI), YB Sukhbir Cheema, seeking his opinions and his party's plans for the elections. 

Reporter 1: YB, what are your party's preparation for the upcoming GE?

YB: Oh we are prepared than ever. Infact, just the other day saya menjenguk my kawasan parlimen, Rasah, my area lah. Meet and greet la with orang kampung. I bagi mereka wang poket sedikit, cakap kosong sedikit dengan diorang lepas tuh I blah. I think we are prepared lah. I'm konfiden.

Reporter 2: YB ini saya ada dengar khabar angin yang menyatakan YB ini berhasrat untuk menjadi Perdana Menteri jika POKAI dapat menawan Putrajaya, betulkah?

YB: Mana you dengar?

Reporter 2: I have my sources lah YB.

YB: *laughs* You reporters ahh I tell you. If suruh carik Osama punya hideout pun you boleh carik siap dengan tarikh bulan biler dia simpan jambang dia. Anyway, saya nih bukan setakat nak jadi PM, kalau dapat chance, jadik Agong pon saya nak!

Reporter 3: Can POKAI obtain a 2/3 majority during the elections this time around?

YB: Two-third? Three-third pun boleh! Why not?

Reporter 1: There are videos of you circulating the internet, videos of you indulging in sexual activities. What are your comments on this?

YB: Video sek?

Reporter 1: Yes YB, a sex video of you.

YB: Where you see it? Brazzers? XNXX? Porntube? I tell you, these are all plans to put my name down. Because I'm one of the most reliable, cleanliness politician around, so jealousy la. Cemburu punya pasal orang buat semua nih. Saya ni orang Tuhan, saya tidak perlakukan benda-benda senonoh nih.

Reporter 1: But it was a HD video of you YB, and it's so clear that the person in the video appears like you.

YB: Appears only... doesn't mean it's me what? Anyway, its a video sek. Semua orang pun buat sek. You ader buat sek tak?

Reporter 1: Err..

YB: Kenapa diam? Maluker? Takyah malu. Semua orang pun buat sek. That's the problem with Malaysians, sikit-skit komplen, skit-skit komplen. Orang buat sek, komplen. Orang tak buat sek pun komplen. Aduh..

Reporter 1: So indirectly, you're confirming the person in the video is you?

YB: What?? I didn't say that! Please don't misquote me okay. I say everybody do sek, not I am the one who do sek in the video! Please ahh.. You ni media dari mana?

Reporter 1: I'm from XY Media.

YB: Owh patut la soalan you, soalan cam nih.. You nih my rival's controlled media what. So ofcourse lah your question is to defame me. Ask la questions like, "How did you manage to be fit to do sek in that position?" ke or "What is the name of that abnormal position you did?" ke or "Who is that hot chic in the video?" ke.. All those are the question that are running in people's mind. Not whether it's me. Be praktikal lah brader.

Reporter: Okay. Fine. So.. how did you managed to be fit to do that particular abnormal position?

YB: One answer; praktis make perfect! Praktis! Praktis! Praktis!

Reporter: So it IS you in the video!

YB: I didn't say that!

***


Fresh from a sex video scandal, a certain member of parliament, YB Sukhbir Cheema of Rasah sits down at a press conference, answering questions thrown at him by reporters on another scandal linking him to granting citizenships to foreigners at his constituency. 

Reporter: YB, there's evidence that citizenships had been granted to foreigners under a certain "Project YB R" at your constituency. What's your thoughts on this?

YB: What is my thought on this?

Reporter: Yes. We need your comments on this issue.

YB: My komen is i think this is a good inisiatif by the Projek. Because, you see, pada tahun 1982, maser KLCC tengah dibina tuh, siaper yang tolong kita bina the two tower?

Reporter: But YB the towers were built in *gets cut off*

YB: Orang Bangla dan Indon jer yang tolong kiter bina! Got Malaysian build the tower? Ader tak?? Takder! So I think these people are more deserve la to be Malaysian. That why the citizenship diberikan kepada diorang.

Reporter: But YB, the KLCC towers were built in 1997..

YB: I say maser dibina, bukan telah di bina. Don't act smart sebab you reporter.

Reporter 2: Various quarters have been saying that you granted the citizenships to garner more votes for you. Is this true?

YB: Truelah! What is wrong in asking people to vote for you? Salahker?

Reporter 1: But these aren't exactly Malaysian citizens..

YB: They ARE now what? *smiles sheepishly*


**What other scandals that link this infamous YB? Stay tuned as the next part will be uploaded in days to come. Comment and share if you enjoyed the post!



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